First Honest Salesman Found

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In what is being termed as the find of the millennium - after millions of Venture Capitalist funding - scientists claim to have found an honest salesman.

Prof. No It Ol has claimed to have gone to purchase a car when he ran into Jeff, who is being termed as a salesman who actually talks about the negatives about the vehicle that he being paid to sell.

Sir "That car had an accident about 3 months ago - you cannot notice it but I can tell by the color of the new bumper" said Jeff as he pointed to a shining part of the car which Prof Ol had not noticed and would not have noticed either had Jeff not brought it to his notice. The reason the arrogant professor(just like all others) said he would not have noticed the mark of the accident was because his RA had hidden his glasses as revenge for not allowing him to graduate about a year back.

Nonetheless, the honesty of Jeff had touched more Prof. Ol when he said "Go to the counter and tell them that you would pay only $12,000 for this baby as against the list price of $13,500 - and tell them you saw this, don't mention anything that I told you about."

As a matter of gratitude Prof. Ol has taken Jeff to his lab and is conducting a neuron mapping analysis to see what is it that is making Jeff such an honest man in the land of wolves.

More on the research as it unfolds....

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Liver writes email Educating Person about the Perils of Alcohol

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In a bizarre event a New Jersey resident has received an email  from his own liver thanking him for staying away from alcohol for the weekend.

The email read :
"Dear Sam, This may sound shocking to you but I really am your liver. I am really grateful to you for having stayed away from alcohol this weekend. It was a welcome change for me that you drank a lot of water and did some exercise as well. You know that I've been having a tough time over the last few years since you have taken to binge drinking on Fridays and Saturdays. I have spoken to your neurons and a few other organs and they too don't seem very happy with your habit. I would on behalf of them request you to control your drinking. I understand that it is tough but I would request you to try. I also know I have no control over your actions but would wish to inform you that once I fall ill then you're going to have a tough time. I have for your quick reference attached in this email a picture of how one of my friend looks after having fallen ill. The disease is called Cirrhosis. I hope you understand I am writing this letter for the good of both of us.  Also I am a pretty good looking organ as of now with no blemishes to my skin, once I get Cirrhosis I tend to get acne and wrinkles as well. I love the attention I get from other organs and other livers as well given my health - so please Sam for the sake of this relationship please cut down on your drinking. 
Love,
Your Liver."

image credit :mellsky7.wordpress.com

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God forgets

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In an unprecedented event God has forgotten to allot a summer season to North-East USA. 

Religious leaders have also confirmed this act of forgetfulness and have blamed it on old age and added pressures of the job of being God. God incidentally is rumored to be thousands of years old - his son is himself more than 2000 years old as claimed by Jehovahs witnesses. 

God was not available for comment but it is said that he may have purposely not switched the summer button-on, which he generally does sometime in April, with temperatures in May being in the low 50s.  Conspiracy Theorists have blamed it on the coldness of the human race. A spokesman said : "I have spoken to the Powers-that-be and here's what has happened - God has not switched the summer button ON to let humanity know how cold they are. He has done it on purpose so that people would start being more warm to each other. He has asked me to let us generate our own warmth with each other", said Dean Sean Jean, the President of Conspiracies United. 

We'll keep you posted on the happenings. As of now all calls to God are going into his voicemail. You can tweet him here.

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NYSE to rename Market Trends

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Claiming that the dominance of the Chicago Bulls and Chicago Bears are over - the NYSE today announced that it was moving away from Chicago and giving importance to the two BIG teams in NBA from the East and West i.e. the Heat and the Thunder respectively. 

Wilson Thun, the Media head of the NYSE today said "With due respect to Chicago that is home to both the Bulls and the Bears after months of discussion we have decided to change the naming conventions to Heat for what is currently the Bullish Market and Thunder to what is currently the Bear market. They have their significance in the fact that an Hot air balloon has Heat and hence rises and Thunder falls from the sky, which is also how the markets have been behaving off-late. The names that we had considered were Cowboys and Ravens among others".

Financial Analysts refused to comment on this change in the naming convention - though one on the condition of anonymity said "I do not understand the reason for this - I've always loved the Bulls as a team - moreover I think the Republicans are responsible for this because we know where President Obama is a Senator from.They do not want any kind of association with him. We know who controls the market."

Photo Credit : money.cnn.com, realtalkonsports.com

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God commands to stop The Human Genome Project

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Even the almighty is concerned about mankind. 

It is said that God - yes God himself is having a concern now - he is running out of genetic combinations for humans. 

In an interview, " Look, before all this thing happened about Human Genome and stuff - I was just planning to just duplicate previous genes - esp.  the guys who are in hell, so it's almost like giving them a second chance. After all I'm the all-forgiving. Now with you guys making a note of everything I'm finding it tough to get combinations for genes. Let me tell you at the rate at which you guys are breeding by 2876 AD there will no more combinations left. That is the reason why - I'm trying to mutate genes and see the outcomes of it. The evolution theory is all crap by the way - it's just that I ran out of combinations for a particular species so I changed them gradually - because if I changed them overnight then parents would be shocked and shocked parents can lead to divorce - which is against what I preach and practice. My R&D team and I are working overtime to fix this which is why I don't have to time to fix the rest of the evils in the world like corruption, terrorism and conservatism. So here's my message to the Scientist folks - focus your energy on renewable energy - I'll take care of the Human Genome Project. If you do not heed to my word - I will be forced make you guys evolve and there would be a species which would be smarter stronger and faster than you guys with way more genetic combinations. If you need a technological analogy to what I'm trying to say then look at IPv4 and IPv6 - remember you mortals are IPv4. " he said and disappeared into thin air. (Literally)

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This Apple fan has no Apple products

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Jod Cruise is an Apple fan(just like all it's products/fans) with a difference. He has no Apple products.

His profile read :

Phone : Samsung Galaxy S3

Tablet : Google Nexus

Laptop : Sony Vaio

MP3 player : Sony

So we asked him - then what makes him an Apple fan?

"My relationship with Apple is from my childhood
1) I used to be Apple of my mothers eyes and she would sing this for me : 

2) Then later when I grew up I would sing this song for my girlfriend : 

RIP Logic.

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People begin acting like Corporations

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On account of support of the concept from Millionaire Mitt Romney(we forget what else was famous for) :

It is reported that people in California and New York are inspired and have begun acting like corporations.

One employee at Verizon outsourced his work to a firm in China while spending his time doing more productive activities like updating his Facebook status, or making sure his LinkedIn profile was updated with his latest project etc. (Link here)

He says "It's freedom, my firm wants the job done and I ensure it's done.More I'm a corporation too. How I get the work done is not anybody's business"

Here are a few other tasks that people have been performing to bridge the Corporation -People gap.

1) Outsource the tasks of organs that aren't functioning well - or if the same service is available at a lower cost

2) Move brains offshore

3) Clone self and open branches in low-cost, high-skill offshore locations

4) Utilize tax loopholes

5) Sell parts of themselves on the stock markets

6) Layoff parts of themselves that aren't making enough profit - e.g. appendix

7) Forming partnerships with multiple corporations

Many of these actions have been welcomed by Republicans.

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Apple now accuses Samsung of Time Travel

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Apple has now accused Samsung of travelling ahead in time and stealing features of it's flagship iPhone that were to be launched in the future. 

It all began after Samsung launched it's own Galaxy S4 which is said to have features that no smartphone has had till-date. This kind of news and a high profile launch is what Apple and it's low-IQ fans boast of but with times changing at Times Square Apple seems to infuriated that Samsung has stolen Apple's features. 

Apple has come forward with the design document of the iPhone 7 and it's representative said "All the features of the Galaxy S4 were planned but not patented for by Apple, we were planning to release it in Spring 2015. Samsung has lived up to it's reputation of stealing from Apple and this time from the future. It looks like Samsung has invented a time travel machine to get the specifications of future iPhones and releasing them under the Galaxy brands in advance. They did that with the S2 which was the same as the iPhone 5 and the S3 is the same as the iPhone 6. Other than ethics, Samsung must also learn a thing about incremental product design and agile product development. " 

The Samsung Public Relations team was not available for comments. 

The case will be decided by the courts in California. 

Image Courtesy : TheNextWeb, YourCollegePlanners 

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Zombies change mind about attack!

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In what is being said as the most astonishing news for humanity, Zombies have now decided to cancel their well prepared plan to attack Earth. 

"Well we had plans to attack Humanity but we're not able to find it" said Zom-Bee the chief Zombie. "We have been planning to attack Earth and take it over and make the place as wretched as we are but now it looks like Humans have overtaken us in being the way we wanted them to be, in fact we're worried if we take them over, they may make us like them" he said with a very concerned expression. 

When asked how he knew about all this he said "We have intelligence reports, about the existence of stuff like banks and even supermarkets where humans are exploited - we are scared that our future generations would become like that or if they learn such trades. We have no currency and we eat what we want but I hear humans fight for food and water, I mean how worse can they get? I would not want my children and grandchildren to be fighting among each other for food.  So we're calling off the attack and in fact we're worried that they may attack us so we're preparing for the consequences and worst case we're all going to self-destruct than become like humans".

"I have also warned my alien brothers about the consequences of attacking Earth and they're pretty understanding about it too", he added and disappeared into thin air.

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Married NJ Transit traveler has a crush on An Acela Express

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Robert Trainlovski a regular NJ Transit Commuter admits being turned on by the look of An Acela Express.  

"I leave my home station Hamilton for work at 8am everyday and used to see this really sexy train pass by. I would try to find out what it was but it was too fast for me to get a good look at. Then one fine day I decided to take the next train to New York just so that I could take a good look at what this elusive object of desire was and my was I shocked looking at this beauty. From that day on I take the 8:14am train in the mornings just to check her out. I know it's her by the sound." said Bob as he kept looking at his watch. 

"That's not all I had a chance to take a peek inside her once when she was parked at the NY Penn station and boy - she's as beautiful on the inside as she looks on the outside, I also took a picture and carry it in my wallet all the time" he said as he shared the following picture with us. 

"I don't know how my wife would react to this crush of mine, I mean nobody would like it right, but anyway for now it's just a crush and nothing more. Though I have tried to get my boss to let me travel to Boston or Philadelphia but that's not happening as yet. I just hope this affection dies down soon because the train doesn't seem to care for me at all, moreover I cannot do anything like this because I got kids too and if not for anybody else for their sake I have to stop this". 

Just as we were about to leave he called out and said "By the way, do you know the structure of my Acela? Here you go. Keep it" He said as he passed on a piece of paper containing this image. 

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