Sunday, November 4, 2012

Apple fan with common sense found!


In what has been the biggest discovery since America by Christopher Columbus, our reporter has found an Apple fan who has common sense.



The man a plumber by profession said that ever since Timothy Cook has been cooking at Apple kitchens, the company has nose-dived in terms of innovation and it's only stream of revenue seems to be from suing rival Samsung.

"I mean, look at this - I have the iPhone 4 and my son the iPhone 5 and I hardly see the difference, my son told me something about it being some 20% lighter and some 18% smaller etc. and he has a cover for the phone, so how does it being smaller help? Moreover other than some software he talks to on the phone it's just like my phone, I don't see the difference, it cost $200 for that phone and don't ask me about accessories, he's had to buy a new dock, and my charger doesn't even fit in his phone" said Mike. "The other day I forgot my GPS in the truck and took the sedan for the drive and used it's maps, the damn thing took us to the next town instead of home, I should be dumb to buy that phone"  he added.

When asked which phone he'd buy next - Mike said " I don't know but it's definitely not the new iPhone, they sell you the same thing repackaged and tell you it's new, I know this business model very well, we use it a lot in the plumbing industry.I'm not a fool to buy that phone, the guys who buy it lack common sense "

He went on to say " It's not just the phone, I have a lot of Apple products, look at my Mac - half the software I need for work don't run on it, I keep it in the living room like an expensive toy so that visitors see it and admire my spending power. This iPad here - double the cost of some other tablet and has the same features, even maintaining and buying apps are so expensive with Apple I'm never buying any of their stuff again".

He had a message for other Apple fans too " See guys, you look at the logo at the back - you must understand why the Apple is half-eaten, IT'S OLD , would you buy a half-eaten Apple from the store?" and he signed off. 

Asian dad reprimands son for asking time

A man in Delaware has reprimanded his 8 year old son for asking the time.

The man of Asian origin who had been over the last two days asked the time by his son twice said "Wei comes up to me yesterday and asks me just before dinner 'Daddy, is it 7pm or 6pm now?' and today in the morning he asks me 'Daddy, why does my watch say 10am and my phone say 9am?' I mean is that something one would ask his dad? I expect him to ask me questions like 'What is the 4th root of 81?'"



Mr. Xu said that he has explained to his son about Daylight savings 4 times over the last 2 years, "If he does not understand such simple concepts how would he get a perfect 4.0? If he don't understand daylight saving, how will he be able to save money?" added the angry father before munching into some fried dumplings.




Search still on for missing New Jersey Engineer

Rescue workers are on the lookout for Aye Nup a software engineer who resides in North Jersey. He has been missing heavy rains hit the area.


He was last spotted exercising at a gym in Newark and has been missing ever since. 

He is around 5'8" tall, thin and has a fair complexion. His friend describe him as a sweet person who had no enemies, which rules the case of any gang/violence related incident. 

Considering the fact that he was a sweet person Gov. Christie of New Jersey has ordered rescue workers to look in the two rivers around the area, Passaic and Hudson and also the Atlantic Ocean. 

One of the theory is that he may have dissolved in the water owing to his sweetness and rescue workers are looking for traces of insoluble parts of the human body. They say if we can collect the water around where they find the insoluble parts, then there is hope of recovering him. 

Sweetie D'Wary the head of the search and rescue team said "Yes, we are looking for the water after which we could perform a chemical process known as fractional distillation at our lab and get him back to life, I say fractional distillation because his head and body and legs would have different melting and boiling points" 

More on this topic once he's found. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Extinct Species found in New Jersey

Social Scientists researching on the study of how cars take care of their owners on highways have stumbled upon a species which was last officially spotted in the year 1987.

The group of researchers happened to find a certain Roy Don who is a graduate student and actually STUDIES and follows a proper schedule to sleep, eat and work-out.


Roy's DNA sample has shown roots to Portugal and seemed to be a quiet and serious person. When questioned about his daily routine Roy said "Yes, I wake up at 5am, finish up whatever I have to do before beginning my study and I also exercise twice a day to keep myself fit. I also run about 10 miles a week to keep stress at bay, I have my supper at around 9pm, before going for a walk and go to bed by 10pm, seven hours of sleep is essential." When asked about what was the latest time he had slept, "It was my birthday a few days back and we had a few unwelcome guests over at night, so I had to stay up till 12am as courtesy, so that is one day I would not forget or forgive". 

When questioned about night-life, "He said, don't we all live at night?, I mean it's a known biological fact right? So what's so great about living in the night?" To which the baffled reported asked do you party or go out at night? "Well, personally I don't and don't endorse it either but I must say that I have a roommate who does it often and I personally don't approve of that fact that he comes back home on weekends at the time I'm just about to wake up, doesn't he have a life?" He added as he was just finishing up an online lesson on Coursera.org . 

When asked whether he watched movies he replied in the affirmative saying An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore was his last and favorite movie. 



The research group also happen to strike silver when they encountered another student Ishan who studies too but not as much as Roy. 


On receiving his DNA sample they found out that Roy and Ishan were 17th cousins and that their DNAs had a 36% match. Biologist are now probing if genes have something to do with these two students actually being students. 

More on this as the reports flow in... 


Friday, November 2, 2012

Sandy - A relative of Ms. Liberty?

Astrologists are looking into an angle that Sandy is actually the twin sister of Ms. Liberty(aka Statue of Liberty). Photographs show that Sandy spent a lot of time around Ellis Island off island of Manhattan just to say hello to her sister Liberty.


It is rumoured that the sisters loved each other a lot and Liberty who had left for the US in the 1880s was older by a few minutes and they had a tearful farewell. Sandy went on to study and become a scholar at a prestigious French university. 

Sailors have sometimes noticed Liberty look eastwards towards France looking for Sandy. Sandy decided to surprise her loving sister by pouncing on her from the back. This though did not go down well with Liberty and she seemed a little frightened not knowing it was her own sister(Pics below). 


After Ms. Liberty figured it was her own twin sister they did have a chat for a long time. One of the cameras even captured this tearful reunion. 




It has also been rumored that Liberty complained to Sandy about the lack of Metro service to her place, an issue into which her stronger sister has promised to look into(almost literally). 

Mayor Bloomberg hires Deep sea divers to get city back on track



Trying to get the self-proclaimed capital of the world, New York City back on it's feet Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving no stone unturned. After it became impossible for man to restore the citys' underground(and sometimes under the river too) subway system, the mayor hired deep-sea divers as shown above to get get work started before actual MTA employees step in. 

Expert divers have been called in from the west coast and have already begun work. Mayor Bloomberg said "This city never sleeps you know, so we are working 24/7 to get it up and running. Sharks have been spotted in New Jersey so we do not want untrained MTA employees to interact with them, hence we are hiring people with experience in the business and know the shark language". The picture below shows work underway by the diving team lead by expert diver Fnu Abhiram at Union Square Metro Station. 



President Obama has assured full support and said "Be it New York or Ohio, we will give full support to our people". 

Team Lead Fnu Abhiram when asked about progress said "Unlike what Mayor Bloomberg said, we're actually working 18/6 instead of 24/7 because we are humans too, not fish, so we need sleep and sunday off as well. We intend to spend Sunday shopping in New Jersey because the taxes in NYC are too high"

It has also been reported that a shark named Joy has been assisting the team in rescue and relief operations. Sharks in New Jersey(link here).  


Thursday, November 1, 2012

New Jersey man sees shark in backyard - claims it's a friend


A man in coastal New Jersey has claimed that a shark he befriended during one of his swimming sessions in the Atlantic ocean and made friends with had come to visit him. "I know you would find it tough to believe that I have a aquatic friends and that they too have feelings" he said as he shared a photograph with a reporter.

"Joy, as he called the shark had asked me for my address when I met him last summer and said that he would surely come to meet me, at that time I thought he was kidding but now I believe" said Juan del Potro.

Zoologists who interviews Juans interaction with the shark has in collaboration with Geologists gone to work on a theory that either Hurricane Sandy had been caused by sharks which is bang opposite of what the Republicans say, who blame President Obama for Sandy(Link here).

Another theory is one that is proposed by an Astrologist Ramesh Mehta who claim animals can predict the future and that Joy had predicted Sandy would happen last year just like his pet parakeet who apparently told him that Mitt Romney would be contesting for president. When asked who would win the elections he went silent.

Meanwhile it is said that Joy used a good GPS to reach Juan and people have reported seeing on the way too.



When asked Joy what the secret of his good direction sense was, he said "Well I promised to meet my friend and I got to him by NOT using Apple maps". 






Student actually read Terms and Conditions before signing up


A student at one of the leading technology universities in the North East says he reads all of the Terms and Conditions before he actually signs up for any service. "Not only I read the terms and conditions I also make a note of the important ones." He said as he showed his notebook divided into sections with important points from each of the contract he has signed.

He went on to say "Do you know you in written contracts you can strike-off points you don't agree with?" to the baffled Didn't You Know reporter.

He has multiple GMail accounts and knows Googles' terms and conditions by-heart. Like "When you use a location-enabled Google service, we may collect and process information about your actual location, like GPS signals sent by a mobile device. We may also use various technologies to determine location, such as sensor data from your device that may, for example, provide information on nearby Wi-Fi access points and cell towers.he said to our baffled reported who immediately cleared his browsing history. To which he said "No point in you doing that, now it's just not visible to you" and signed off. 

Mitt Romney has a succession dilemma


Willard Mitt Romney or he is lovingly(by republicans only) called Mitt Romney is now facing the mathematical challenge of his life. No it's about about how he is going to outsmart President Obama this campaign. It about how he's going to divide his assets among all his heirs. As promised he does have heirs as there are neurons in his brain - he now has hired an accounting firm (the same who oversaw his investments in Chinese Oil Companies) to help him solve this dilemma.

He initially intended to divide his $250M (and growing) wealth among his 5 sons(Tagg, Josh, Ben, Matt and Craig) equally but now given their offsprings love him just as much, he has now 20 heirs in 2 generations and with one of his daughters-in-law carrying now would have a weird number of 21 heirs. What has now happened is that the value of his wealth is not completely divisible by 21. The accounting firm is now making investments to achieve this unique feat.

Incidentally this has also started a race to among his sons to have more kids.

The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints(or simply the Mormon Church) is watching the proceedings closely. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Bachelor ventures out of home on weekend - One last time


Kumar or Kay as he is called by his loved ones has ventured out on the hurricane weekend with friends for one last time. He was spotted on the banks of the river Passaic with a group of friends.

When asked of his daring adventure on a hurricane weekend in front of a swollen Passaic he said "You know, life is unpredictable, my days of being a bachelor are numbered and I for the last time wanted to spend a weekend with friends."

A software engineer by profession, Kay has been an expert at Databases and has been working on a critical project at one of the top investment banks. He is scheduled to tie the knot on the 19th of November.

When asked what he looks forward to "Marriage or Hurricane Sandy?" He just smiled and walked away.

Didn't You Know News wishes Kay all the best and a Happy and Prosperous Married life. 

Monday, October 29, 2012

West Coast school kids now wish they lived around NYC



In what is being touted as an embarrassment to the west coast and esp. to the State of California and the silicon valley students in the schools in the area when asked "How many of you wished you lived in and around New York? " received a 98% "Aye" aka "I" in response.

A survey conducted by social scientists in the states of California, Oregon and Washington - have said that 98% of toddlers between the ages 6 and 14 seemed to like the East Coast more. With States like New York and Florida being preferred destinations. It seems that the kids prefer a colder weather than the warmer west. They also say they want to stay as far away from the Midwest as possible lest they be influenced by the conservative ways of life.

The governor of California Jerry Brown has promised to look into the matter and has given this issue a degree 3(highest) severity. In a closed door meeting he mentioned to his team that they cannot afford NY and FL to steal the IT jobs like how California has done over the last few decades. Republicans on the other hand have blamed the Democrats for the potential outsourcing of future jobs to the East Coast.

Exams are being made easy and teachers have been seen distributing free candy at most classes but children still stick to their preferences.

One child when asked why he chose New York over California  said "They have stuff Irene and Sandy that come there often and give them an off from school but all we have here are a few earthquakes that don't do too much and moreover they don't even tell us before they come. So it's more of half a day off than a few days like my cousins in Brooklyn who have now gone to the Grand Canyons on a 4 day long weekend, we never get such long holidays also my grandma in Nicaragua calls Pete(cousin in Brooklyn) more often than she calls me because he lives in NYC. It's not fair" he said on conditions on anonymity.

After reading this the Governors of the 3 states have been trying to artificially create a storm in the area which would either it on a Thursday and Friday or on a Monday and Tuesday.





(Image Courtesy : http://peaceinyourhome.com/creating-partnership-with-your-childs-school/

New Jersey man challenges Sandy


A seemingly disturbed man Angel Cruz(name changed) has challenged Hurricane Sandy to cause more destruction to him than his ex-wife who incidentally had the same name.

Out on the streets and visibly disturbed - this man has been heard by area residents screaming "What else will you forcefully take from me Sandy? You took my house, money and kids from me anyway, all I got now is my life. Take it".

Initially the residents of the town of Harrison in Hudson County were filled with sympathy for the individual assuming he had lost his family to the hurricane. It was later that someone mentioned to the growing crowd of onlookers/sympathizers that his ex-wife(who now drives an expensive car given her alimony payments) goes by the same name that sympathy towards him diluted.

Given Sandys success, housewifes in the area intend to follow her example and go all out to get their own expensive cars. Men and insurance companies in the area now seem concerned.

Angel a life-long republican has also endorsed Mitt Romneys stance that President Barack Obama is responsible for Sandys current attitude(Link here) not fully understanding which Sandy his nominee was anyway speaking about.



(Image courtesy : http://www.theculturist.com/home/music-monday-rain.html)

Republicans blame Obama for Sandy


Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney has taken the opportunity to blame President Barack Obama for hurricane Sandy. "President Obama in his support for women has attracted Sandy towards his charming persona and hence this destruction."

Taking a jibe at woman voters(not considered his strong-hold) he went on to say "Sandy just like others like her has brought destruction to MAN and when I'm president I would take utmost care to ensure others like her are not held in the same regard or even given the same amount of importance(or pay)."

President Barack Obama when asked about what he had to say about the elections during an interview with the media about the hurricane said "The elections are next week and will take care of itself" hinting on how he intend to give even the election freedom. "I'm currently concerned about the lives of our citizens and not the elections"  he said before flying to Ohio to tour affected areas in the crucial swing state.

Incidentally, Gov. Romney and Pres. Obama have both meticulously avoided the state of New Jersey given they already know the election outcome in that state and the eventual winner intends to sit back and have a laugh at the garden state given it's lack of deciding power. 

Mitt Romney buys the Samsung Galaxy S 3


Tired of being called Money-Making-Machine-Mitt(or simply 4M), US Presidential hopeful has gone on to buy a Samsung Galaxy S3 saying that "Finally I have bought something that is designed for humans" and at a recent press conference in Ohio he flashed the phone and also showed he knew how to use it and hoped it would lay any doubts about him being a machine to rest. 

"This is how this phone is switched on" Mitt said as he pressed a button to show a Samsung logo appear on the screen. He also went on to show some of the cooler features of the phone where he appear to touch his phone to another S3 user and they both smiled at each other. It was rumored that Mitt had actually received a donation of $50,000 from that user just with that one touch. 

Meanwhile Apple are baffled as to how such a large sum of money was transferred in such a short span of time. "It is highly likely that Samsung has infringed one of our patents on how we take money for nothing and we are looking into it" said one of Apples' spokespersons, hinting at another lawsuit between the two mobile phone giants. 

Not to be outdone the Obama campaign has bought the rival Apple iPhone 4 "We believe that this phone has all the features of the latest phone by Apple and is affordable to the masses" not knowing that the iPhone 4 does not support 4G-LTE. This was a direct endorsement of the middle-class that need a smartphone for next to nothing(iPhone 4 now costs only $1 online) and use it for nothing but to spend money on. By this action the Obama campaign has again connected to it's base(the middle class) and has also sent out a message say"3G is enough". The campaign also said that this would help bring back jobs unaware of the fact that Apple manufactures all it's product in a distant land where people work hard and ask for less pay. 

Mitt Romney has rejected that this smart move by the Obama campaign may ruin his already non-existent connection with the masses saying "He's bought something that does not work and makes you spend money on it - just like his economic policies

Paul Ryan incidentally is waiting for the next Nexus phone saying "It has the latest updates" and Joe Biden has no clue what was going on and had called the President from his outdated Nokia asking "What's all this phone thing about Barack?

More to come...